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#2: How many times does a horn player laugh at a joke? - Once, when he hears it.
How many
times does a trumpet player laugh at a joke? - Twice, once when he hears it and again when he gets it.
How many
times does a tuba player laugh at a joke - Three times, once when he hears it, once when it's explained to him and once when
he gets it.
How many times does a percussionist laugh at a joke? - He doesn't-he starts a fight because he thinks
everyone is laughing at him.
#3: 20 signs your dressage test need work . . .
- Under judges remarks she writes only: "Nice braid job."
- Horse confuses dressage arena rail for a cavaletti; exits at K.
- Your circles shape reminds the judge that he should pick up eggs on the way home.
- Your serpentine was perfect, except that it was supposed to be a straight centerline.
- Sitting trot has caused some fillings to be loosened in lower molars.
- Your horse believes "free walk" means leaving the arena and heading towards the
nearest patch of grass.
- Your working trot had you working harder then your horse.
- In your salute, your inadvertently use your whip hand causing your horse to perform
airs above the ground.
- Your walk seems to be more "rare" than "medium."
- Impulsion improves only after the horse sees monsters in the decorative shrubbery
near letters.
- Your horse's response to the canter aid is "Can't, er, what?"
- Your twenty meter circle involved jumping the rail twice.
- Your halt took place in the judge's lap, instead of at X.
- Your thoroughbred interpreted elasticity to involve trying to kick himself in the
head with his back feet during the working canter.
- Your horse entered the arena at A, and M, and H, and B...
- Judge's comments include words like "unusual, dramatic, explosive, and tragic"
- Leg-yields involve your leg yielding before the horse does.
- Free walk was interpreted by your Arab to involve prancing, a rear, and a few bucks.
- The judge asks you take the broken letters with you when you leave.
- Voodoo dolls of your horse were found in the possession of the show's grounds manager.
#5: Proper Procedures in being Bucked Off
1. Ensure that you have an audience. There is absolutely no point in being decked
by your horse unless there are, oh, say a hundred people around to watch. This way, you will have made them feel better about
their own inadequacies, and you won't have to go into tedious detail explaining to everyone you know exactly how it happened.
It is considered good form if at least one of the audience members is either:
a. Someone you admire and want to impress;
or
b. Someone you despise and don't want to give any ammo to; or
c. Someone you have the hots for and want to impress;
or
d. Your best friend, who will have no compunction in falling over, laughing and pointing.
2. Try to be spectacular.
I mean, anyone can just get bucked off and land on their backside, can't they? You want to try to make this "the decking to
end all deckings." The Titanic of bucks. You get the picture. Now, for this you will need the following: An extremely acrobatic
horse - you want one of those twisty-turny jobbies last seen at the National Rodeo Championships; a supple back - you should
practice somersaults, pirouettes and handstands at home; a hat- see, I can be sensible!!!
3. It is best if this buck
comes at a time when everyone is watching you, but no-one is prepared for what is to come. During a dressage test is good.
Your horse should be working nicely, giving no indication that you are about to become "the person who learned to fly." Of
course, experts at this will point to the tail swishing, the ears twitching back, and the tension around the nostrils, but
they are show-offs and should be ignored. To the uninitiated, this will look like a dramatic performance which you and your
horse have practiced at home.
4. When the horse leaves the ground, and launches you into the air like a cannon ball,
it is far more gratifying for the crowd if you can let out a blood-curdling yell. Kind of like William Wallace when they cut
his, um, thingies off. Practice this at home. When the local rangers knock on your door, asking if you are keeping a wild
cougar in your back yard, you will know you have it right.
5. You should try to stay elevated as long as possible.
The longer the better. If your arms and legs fly in impossible directions, as if you were a rag doll, you will achieve additional
marks for artistic impression.
6. When you land, try to do so with a thud! The kind of dull kind that you hear when
you drop a melon from a great height. Try not to go "splat" - it puts the audience off their hamburgers.
7. Lie immobile
for a while, as your horse runs off into the distance. After a suitable time, raise your head and groan : "you b****d".
#6: RULES FOR YOUR HORSE!
1- SNORTING: Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is you duty,
as the family horse, to accommodate them.
2- NEIGHING: Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh
- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the barn and communicating with other horses. Especially very
late at night.
3- STOMPING CATS: When standing on cross ties, make sure you never --- quite --- stomp on the barn
cat's tail. But keep stomping.
4- CHEWING: Make a contribution to the architectural industry.... chew on your stall
wall, the fence or any other wooden item.
5- BEDDING: It is good manners to urinate in the middle of your freshly
bedded stall to let your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work.
6- DINING: Always pull all of your hay
out of the hay rack, especially right after your stall has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This
challenges your human, the next time they're cleaning your stall - and we all know how humans love a challenge (that's what
they said when they bought you as a two-year-old, right?).
7- DOORS: Any door, even partially open, is an opportunity
for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, who will happily
chase you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved.
8- HOLES: Rather than pawing and digging a
big hole in the middle of the paddock or stall and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over. They won't notice
this if you carefully arrange little piles of dirt. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part
to help correct this problem.
9- GROUND MANNERS: Ground manners are very important to humans; break as much of the
ground in and around the barn as possible. This lets the ground know who's boss, and impresses your human.
10- NUZZLING:
Always take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately before nuzzling your human. Humans prefer clean muzzles. Be ready
to rub your head on the area that you just nuzzled to dry it off, too.
11- PLAYING: If you lose your footing while
frolicking in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse
will get a visit from the mean ol' vet, not you!
12- VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of horses.
Rock back and forth on the cross-ties, neighing loudly and pawing playfully at this person. If the human backs away and starts
crying, advance swiftly, stamp your feet, and neigh louder to show your concern.
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